My children are really good
kids. They are generally well behaved
and usually do as they are told. I am
not prone to yelling or nagging them (except Miss Marvellous and her inability
to keep her room tidy… a battle I’ve finally conceded I will NEVER win and the
room will remain a bombsite until she leaves the nest). They’ve always been pretty good. They ask before venturing to the pantry to
eat whatever they can lay their hands on, they come home when I ask them to and
generally behave as you would expect well raised children to behave.
When they were little toddlers,
I was insanely strict with language.
Believe it or not, there was a switch and I could just flick it when the
kids were around. Actually, we weren’t
even allowed to say “shut up” in our house!
I remember them seeking my approval to sing the song “Shut Up” by the
Black Eyed Peas. Gestapo!
Since they’ve become teenagers
and Miss Marvellous is now a young adult, I am finding it increasingly hard to put
my filter in and find myself saying not only swear words in their presence
(much to the horror of The Captain), but saying inappropriate things that
should not be funny at my age and display my underlying immaturity. Miss Marvellous often barks “Oh My God! You’re so immature” at me. I even blurt weird shit out in front of her
friends. Unfortunately, my indiscretions
seem to have become a green light for them to utter the odd profanity in my
presence. I have assured them that I
know they swear at school but they need to be sure not to swear in front of
their father, their Grandparents, me or any other grownups (especially teachers). The week Boy Wonder started high school, he
dropped the shit word. I berated him for
swearing. He grinned at me and said “shit,
bloody, bugger, arse, SHIT!” I was
shocked into silence and Miss Marvellous burst out laughing. I yelled “Hey!’ but Miss Marvellous had
already high-fived him. Well done with
the encouragement! Next thing I know,
this kid is teaching me new words.
Boy Wonder came home from school
recently with a new descriptive word, which he proceeded to insult me with. He said “you’re a choad”. Right, well if you’re going to insult me son,
at least use the English vocabulary. He
was incredulous that I didn’t know what a choad was. He looked at me with a blank face and said
“look it up”…so I did. It turns out that
a penis, which is wider than it is long, is a choad. Humph, who knew? Nice to be called a short fat dick. Then just the other day I heard him upstairs
yelling at his sister. I stood at the
bottom of the stairs, about to yell up to them to stop yelling at each other
when I heard him say to her “you’re a
funt”. Oh my Lord! I yelled at him that he could NOT use that
word. I said it is abhorrent. He was immediately defensive “why can’t I say
it? It’s not like I said the actual words”. My response was that it’s still insanely
obvious which words he had joined to make the horrendous insult. Still defensive he uttered “how come we can
say fugly then?” Well he can’t say fugly
either but he does use it and I don’t jump down his throat for it so that’s an ‘inconsistency’
red flag for me. Bereft of a reasonable
explanation, I retorted with “Just because”.
Mmmm, excellent grown up answer.
Miss Marvellous has become quite
comfortable calling me a bitch or a stupid little shit whilst sporting a smile
on her face. I tell her to stop swearing
and she says “No”, still smiling. I can’t
ground her because she hardly ever goes out!
That’s as bad as her expletives have become so I won’t complain too
loudly given my filth. She does,
however, throw things a lot when frustrated (but she doesn’t swear…just throws
stuff). When I see that she’s worked up,
I get the hell out of the way lest I have a piece of pizza crust bounce off my
head.
Boy Wonder is getting quick and witty. Recently, I was putting my bike shorts on under my skirt (because you know that shit happens to me) and he
queried “Why do you two girls always wear bike shorts under skirts? If I wore
mine they'd be so uncomfortable". I
said "That's because yours are padded; they have a fat arse in them”. A
moment later I pulled mine up and over my backside when he grins and says "well
so do yours, now"! What a little
shit.
There was a recent incident involving
both of my kids which really got me riled.
On her way home from school, Miss Saint Marvellous came across a small
Chihuahua dog wandering aimlessly about the streets. It showed absolutely no road sense and as we
live between two busy roads, she was concerned for its safety. The stupid dog followed her home and unsure
what to do with it, reluctant to leave it to its own stupid lack of sense, she
brought the stupid thing home. I’ve
taken one look at this rat like dog in her arms and queried “What the hell am I
going to do with a stray dog?” She brow
beat me into feeling like a shit before telling me she was going to door knock
the neighbourhood to find its owner. Silently
cursing her kindheartedness, I sat in the house seething that I couldn’t go
shopping until she found the owner of the mutt.
I am an arsehole.
This
dog showed no sign of any restraint at all – going psycho when it spied the
cat, which doubled in size with all its fur on end. It sniffed, licked and pissed on anything it
could see and had already outstayed its welcome. Boy Wonder offered to go with her to knock on
the doors and ring the bells.
About fifteen minutes later, Boy
Wonder comes in the door and he is in an obvious state of upset. It turns out the old bag of shit at the end
of the street screamed
at my kids for trespassing and bringing a filthy animal to her house and then
she chased them out the gate with a broom!
Miss Marvellous, not so easily rattled said “Okay, we’re leaving” but
the old bitch continued to chase them out and completely frightened Boy Wonder out of
his mind. How DARE she treat my children
that way! They weren’t hurting anyone!
I felt so incensed that I marched down there to give the old
fuck a piece of my mind. I rang the doorbell
repeatedly (I’m talking finger on the bell and ding, ding, ding, ding – putting
all of my ire into each ding) but to no avail.
Not satisfied, I looked in the windows but saw no movement. I smile
at this old bitch as she sweeps the path outside her house in her dressing gown
at four in the afternoon. Not anymore,
she has just earned herself a fucking SNEER and a GLARE from now on!
I looked directly into what I hoped was her hiding place and
yelled loudly and concisely “Yeah, that's right, don't answer the door to an
adult you gutless, spineless, bitter old bag of bones! I had BETTER not hear you've yelled at my
kids ever again or there will be HELL to pay!" and I stormed out. As I walked out of her gate, her next door
neighbour came out and told me that the stupid old bitch was completely nuts
and doesn’t know what she’s saying. Possibly
explains the dressing gown in the afternoon.
Same old biddy complained about a bit of dirt on the path outside our
house on a wet day once. Get a real
problem, old dragon. The old bitch
probably thinks the world owes her a fucking favour just because she’s still in
it! Why hasn't someone put old vinegar
tits in home so the children don’t have to get terrorised? During my tirade at her front door she was
probably flying around the backyard on her broom stick thinking she was playing
a Quiddich match at Hogwarts school for Witches and Wizards. Stupid old hag! She hates children and glares at Boy Wonder
when he walks past to go to school. I
remember Boy Wonder once saying to Captain Fantastic that when he was younger, he
was talking on his new walkie talkie to a friend around the corner and she came out of her house and yelled “Why
don’t you grow up!” The captain said “Why
didn’t you say to her “Why don’t you go and get dressed?”” A rare witty moment by The Captain. I’m sick of seeing the old bitch in that blue
dressing gown.
I ended up calling the Council regarding the dog and they
sent one of their officers out. The Officer scanned its neck and found that it was micro-chipped, which he traced
to an address in WA... we are in Victoria. WTF??? Fido probably just finished
the mother of all road trips, sniffed a million arses on the way and finally made
it to Victoria only to be sent back home again!
The officer took the dog away and then it wasn't my problem anymore...
but not before it scared the be-Jesus out of the cat and made her look like a
furry inch-worm walking on all claws around the back deck! Fuck off Fido the Fuckwit Dog!
