Recently I wrote a blog about things that
shit me and one of those topics was visiting the Dentist. Having just experienced part three of a root
canal, performed on a molar at the top right of my mouth, the memories of the horrendous
experience are still very fresh in my mind so I feel like I can impart a little
insight into why I feel so strongly about the sadistic bastards.
I am lying down with my head at a most
unnatural angle, already creating a crick in my neck, and my mouth is open as
wide as I can possibly get it. The
stupid arse chocks my mouth open with a rubber square, which feels like it is
the size of a house brick, to ensure I don’t close it…ever again! The hinge on my jaw feels like it is ready to
pop. He then puts a cotton bud laden
with numbing gel in my mouth and rubs it on the spot where the needle will go
in. My mouth is so wide open that my
salivary glands are working overtime and the back of my mouth is filling with
saliva. Where the fuck is the dental
nurse with the suction hose? Surely someone can see that my
tonsils are floating around in a sea of spit.
My throat convulses and I accidentally swallow. The Dentist doesn’t give a flying fuck, he
just jabs the needle in after telling me I’m going to feel slight pinch. Slight pinch!
I should have reached over and grabbed the skin of his ball sack between
my thumb and forefinger to remind him what a slight pinch is. I don’t think any of the gel went on my gum,
it all went down my throat so I have lost all feeling there too and I can’t
swallow anymore, even if I want to, because it is fucking numb! Within seconds of the injection my heart starts
racing and I’m shaking all over and I see that he realizes he’s given me the
adrenaline anesthetic…AGAIN! What a
fuck-tard! He asks me if I’m alright and
the noise I make sounds like I’m drowning…because the I am. My saliva is a whirlpool at the back of my
throat and the numbing gel has completely numbed my throat... I can’t swallow. He stands and leaves the room – care factor
ZERO! I try to open my throat a little
to swallow some of Lake Spitola and almost successfully drown in my own fluid. Alone in the room, there is nobody to witness
my terror while my nostrils flare then suck shut as I try to panic breathe
through my nose. I cannot get any air in
my nose and my mouth is still chocked open and every time I try to breathe in
through my mouth, I breathe in more saliva.
For all intents and purposes, I appear to be having a convulsion in the
dental chair until finally the numbness in my throat eases a little and I can
swallow and shallow breathe again. By
this stage I am glazed in a film of sweat, my chest heaving.
The nurse finally finds her way into the
room and quickly gets to work with the suction.
About fucking time, bitch! Satan
returns and brings out a latex square, which he fits over my tooth and attaches
to a frame. I can’t feel a damn thing
and have no idea what the hell he’s doing.
The nurse balances the suction hose in my mouth and starts getting tools
and substances ready; her back to me. The stupid bitch has stuck the fucking suction
thing inside my upper lip on the opposite side of my mouth and nowhere near the
build-up of saliva. It is stuck to the
inside of my lip, making a screaming sound.
Nobody bats an eyelid. Lucifer
starts drilling with gusto like he’s mining for gold. The gel has finally completely worn off and
my throat convulses under the weight of the saliva again but this time, almost
all of the saliva goes into my wind pipe so I start coughing and choking, my
throat opening and closing, making gurgling sounds. Satan is drilling intently, oblivious
to my struggle as he bends to his task.
The nurse is watching him with a glassy-eyed, vacant and bored
expression. I am coughing and gurgling,
my eyes bulbous and protuberant in my struggle and I thrust my hand up in
alarm, petrified I might actually fart or pee during the coughing fit, and the
drilling suddenly ceases. “Oh my God,
are you okay?” gushes the Dental Nurse. By this stage the panic
has set in and I am breathing like I’ve just climaxed for the fifth time in a
row but with the house brick, the suction hose, the Dentist’s fingers & his
drill in my mouth, I can only shake my head maniacally like a bovine in the throes
of mad cow disease. He sits back with
his hands up and I reach in and yank the brick and the suction hose out, sit up
and try to recover my equilibrium; the ludicrous latex square still dangling and
flapping idiotically from my mouth.
After a few moments, my heart rate and breathing slows and everything
settles down. I lay back down and he continues the torture
session.
About two minutes into the continuation of
the procedure, one of the corners of the latex square breaks free and flaps
over my face. I hope someone notices
soon because I feel stupid with it flicking around all over my face. I can feel my saliva trickling out of the
corner my mouth and down my chin, pooling in one of the creases of my
neck. The fucking latex square flaps
over my nose and gets sucked against my nostrils and I am suffocating,
again. I thrash about, making urgent groaning sounds and reach for the square, almost punching Lucifer in the face in the
process. He sits back again and sees the
latex over my nose and I am sure it has been sucked inside my nostrils. He whips the fucker off my face and I feel,
rather than see, tendrils of saliva string off it. The nurse busies herself with wads of
tissues, mopping up my spillage of spit.
I am disgusted in the amount of drool I am producing. He asks if I’m okay for him to put the square
back on to continue and I reluctantly nod, wanting this fucked up session to
end. As he pokes the square into the
back of my mouth, his forefinger almost goes down my throat and my gag reflex
is activated…I dry retch twice. He is
looking very alarmed and I can tell he wants this situation over almost as much
as I do. I am the patient from hell. The nurse starts patting my hair like I am a
skittish horse. It takes all of my
strength not to bitch slap her.
The rest of the procedure continues without
much incident and the nurse finally puts the suction hose where it
will actually be effective. After the
Dentist has finished pouring cement into the various roots and baked it, he
removes the latex square and frame, wiping my wet face with more tissues, and
finally pulls the rubber house brick out of my mouth. I am groaning in a way that would be more
suited to a boudoir as my jaw is finally allowed to close after 45 minutes of
being yanked open wider than it has ever been before. He needs to take an x-ray to be sure he’s
done it correctly. The nurse literally
throws the heavy apron over me and one of the flaps that belong around my neck
bounces painfully off my nose. My eyes
water and my fists clench. Stupid
fucking bitch! The Dentist places a hard,
thin square in the very back of my mouth and my gag reflex is once again
activated. I notice he is sweating – he
thinks I am going to vomit. I almost
chuckle to myself. He asks me to hold
the square, which is cutting into my gum, whilst he pulls something that
belongs in the Planetarium against my face.
He and the nurse retreat from the room; I hear a whir and a click
and assume we’re done.
Nope.
He gives my mouth a quick once over and finds the tiniest cavities,
almost a pinprick he says, in the molar below the one he has just worked
on. Fuck! He numbs the area, yanks my jaw open and
starts drilling again. My heart starts
racing and I begin shaking and he doesn’t even budge, doesn’t care that he’s
given me the adrenalin. He is impatient to finish this task and wants me out of his Practice. He hasn’t even
waited for the anesthetic to kick in yet and I can feel the drill uncomfortably
close to the nerves and pinching my gums.
My eyes are watering again and I just want to get the fuck out of
there. He finishes about two minutes
after the status of full numbness is reached and I am allowed to rinse. I sit up and try to sip from the cup but with
half of my face completely numb, I can’t even close my lips around the rim of
the cup and as I pour the water in, it pours back out the other side of my slack
face, inside my shirt and down between my tits.
My thin shirt is plastered to my breasts and the Dentist averts his
eyes. He announces we’re done and I am
finally released to go into Reception to feel the most painful part of this
root canal, the bit where I get bent over the desk and drilled from behind as
they give me the bill. I try to smile at
the shy Receptionist but only half my face works and I look like I should be
licking the windows of a special blue bus.
Get me the fuck out of here!
Doona
